upcoming anniversary

October 18 marks the 3 year "anniversary" since my last day of work ...one certainly not worthy of any type of celebration.  Of course, I could always put a positive spin on it and turn it into a celebration, merely be overcoming some obstacle or reaching some milestone before that date.  I wish so badly I could just change my way of thinking and be done with all of this and get back to normal although I have been assured by even the most alternative of alternative and homeopaths that this is one disease you just don't "will away".  Fine, so while I await treatment, my will can help deal with some of the emotional issues that go along with spending countless hours in bed. 

It is beyond my comprehension that I have spent almost half the time I had lived in the Hawaiian Isles (the happiest of my years) in bed....think of the 7 day flu or cold... and times that by 150? ( or so, can't find my calculator)...I am going crazy!!!  The boredom, I will try to see as a positive sign....at the beginning I was much too sick to think of boredom but still lack the energy or stamina to do much.  Now, at least, I am able to get out of bed on good days and run a few errands but always seem to pay the price the next day and am back down with exhaustion.

I don't know why I feel guilty when I sleep all day...I suppose I feel like I am just taking up space at this point, no purpose.  Especially as a salesperson by trade, living by daily, weekly and monthly goals and the competitive lifestyle and emotional (and financial) rewards of achievement.  What have I achieved today? 

Last year my goal was to get my son to and from school and that was just about all I could do physically.  Now that he is driving, I am not even needed for that....hmmmm, maybe a little precursor to empty nest syndrome combined with my lack of any life whatsoever.  So, today, during my morning prayers, that's what I asked for....guidance, a goal or perhaps a companion to make life at least a little more interesting until I can get back on that snowboard... I always said I would be skiing into my 80's and that hasn't changed....I just hate how much time I have wasted... So, I've decided to set some goals..I already know what my long term goals are once my body is back to cooperating!!  And, it's funny, most of those goals wouldn't exist if I had never got Lyme.