We've all heard the saying "'i'm losing my mind, i just know it" but for one to be truly aware of losing your memories, vocabulary and just everyday ability to "think" like the former you is hard to admit....first, we are in total denial, or, if we can get away with it, we laugh the lapse off as a "senior moment", which most can relate to and will usually share a recent funny one of theirs as well. Then, we learn to compensate....dozens and dozens of times a day I have a truly difficult time searching my brain for something I want to communicate and it takes me much much longer to come up with a substitute word. My writing abilities have suffered....I can still get away with it, but I, and maybe just I at this time, notice....it takes several times longer to write a paragraph...what's worse is I can no longer read more than 2 or 3 paragraphs without napping in the middle of it. My mom reads to me on the phone and has to wake me several times (i guess i am quite the snorer during these narcolepsy episodes). Losing my ability to read anything more than an email or magazine article was a bit of a loss although admittingly, i was never the novel reader my mom is.
My memory problems are becoming, well, more problematic. Last night for instance, I was at CVS grabbing a last minute school supply for Bryan's first day and lost my keys in the store. I searched and searched my purse to the point of humiliation by dumping it out in front of the cashier to prove I did not have them...then, we began to search the store. I became very upset and began to cry when I realized I had not one person I could call for a ride if we were unable to find them...i think my tears were more due to the realization that this sort of thing has become far from an isolated case of forgetfulness. Just last week at the doctor's office, first, I arrived an hour late...after several discussions of getting a precisely timed appointment and then, thinking I was an hour early, having lunch with my son at a fast food place across the street to "kill an hour" til the appointment time, only to be an hour late! Then, while I was in there with the nurse my son called to tell me I forgot something really important (which I forget at this moment) but I remember it was pretty important. The icing on the cake was while waiting for my son to pick me up, the nurse drove up to me, waiting in the parking lot and asked "did you mean to leave all your medications in the office?" OMG...of course not, I need those daily, so the nurse was nice enough to unlock the office and retrieve them for me. Again, this is no isolated incident.
Mother's day was the real wake-up call. My son and his dad took me to a movie we had wanted to see for quite some time....a nature film about mothers and babies (animals) and thought it appropriate for a mothers day outing....it was a big deal...the three of us hadn't done anything together in years and it being mothers day and all.... less than a week later, an ad for the movie came on TV....I looked at my son and said...."we should go see that movie, before it stops playing at theatres". The look on his face is one I doubt I could ever forget. Even after reminding me, I couldn't recall the day which was truly scary.
I often wonder if those with Alzheimer's "know" too, as their mind slowly deteriorates or if those with mental disorders are aware. I suppose it's a good thing that I am conscious of it so that I can make my compensations but it does certainly frighten me, especially the not knowing if it is permanent damage or if it will progress. This is just one of the many changes I am seeing in myself and why it infuriates me that my disability company states I am still able to perform in all my previous duties...
nothing in the world would make me happier than having that position back, after having worked toward it for two decades, but anybody in my business knows how mentally sharp you must be to do my job. Getting lost in a store, forgetting my cat's name, hanging up the phone on the pizza delivery man when asked of my address...how do I compensate?...I keep my phone number written down and taped to all the phones and with my GPS I will always find my way home...little tricks like these that nobody sees.....but paying my bills has become absolutely impossible and I just don't do it anymore...much too much complicated so I have late fees month after month which I can no longer pay...problem solved!!. Now, for that nap...and insurance approved a long awaited echocardiogram for this afternoon.....I checked the time of the appt four times and my son will be driving me :)
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