am i dying or i do i just feel like i am?

OMG......the pain.....although it is constant, i think i have become  used to a moderate amount of never ending constant but endurable pain , with the help of morphine,  but when it becomes just over the top, too much,  unbearable crying and screaming pain, enough where you swear you would cut off your limbs to stop it from hurting,....that is when i wonder....what are these things doing to my  body?  Are they eating away at my joints, organs, brain....are they multiplying rapidly and taking over my body?  I have not been able to afford a LLMD (Lyme Literate Med. Dr) so I have no idea what i am doing.  I know i should be killing these things....I know i should be detoxing.....i know that taking narcotics for any length of time is unhealthy but what are my  choices?  I have a pain dr; without him  I  would be in a wheelchair.  With his help there are moments where i almost......almost feel normal for a short while....some days i am even able to get out of bed and go out for a drive.  When I do get out on my good days, the people that see me think i'm fine....they didn't see me the day before begging God to just take me now and end the inevitable.  And of course, when it's time for a dr. visit I am always having a good day, kinda like the mechanic trick the car plays on you when it stops making that noise as soon as it reaches the shop.

Aside from nobody else knowing how sick I am,  I really don't know myself.....I know how sick I feel....I know that I am in a very advanced stage of the disease but nobody  has really told me how will i know....i hear of people dying, some younger than me, mostly from AV block in the heart, if not suicide....how do you know if you are at that point?  My cardiologist admits he knows nothing at all about lyme but agrees i should not be having constant chest pain and shortness of breath....so what gives...will i know...will there be any advance notice....will it happen suddenly?  should i start preparing?

Or, do i just feel so darn lousy that i think i am going to die from this disease, when really it just feels like it?  I pray everyday I can get to a good doctor to find out before it is too late.

today, i did get out...for a bit with a girlfriend....it was so good to laugh and smell the salt air and see the ocean even though we sat in the car....i'm paying for it now but it was worth it :)