Last night I read a post from a young man who looked to be in his thirties, who was in a facility due to suicidal thoughts....I have never known somebody with Lyme who has not thought about it as an option. I wrote to him and urged him to hang in there, reminding him that we have all been there, we all understand and tried to offer him some hope for a better tomorrow. I promised him I would never forget him and will help him once I am helped....I have vowed to pay it forward. That was last night.....I had slept most of the day and was feeling okay and in a pretty good place and was in an optimistic mood.
Then, there was today.....bad, bad day. Woke up in absolute panic, beyond words. feeling of impending doom. I don't want to live like this anymore either; I kid myself to thinking everything is going to be ok when I have had a bad feeling about all of this, and I have for a long time. I have periods too of suicidal thoughts almost to the point of obsession; I try to talk to my mom about them and she gets upset and changes the subject. I understand she doesn't want to talk about it.
For anybody that sees someone with lyme as a chronic complainer or hypochondriac, I beg to differ. I see myself as a warrior; fighting every minute of every day; and I know in my heart of hearts that most would have given up long ago (50% of all Lyme deaths are from suicide) . I am literally hanging on by my fingernails and damn proud of it...I am holding on and fighting every single moment for my son and for hope to help others once I am well enough again to reclaim some sort of "normal" life.
But I am talking about every single moment of every single day, day after day after day after day.....can anybody imagine what three years of this could ever be like? I want to leave my body, escape and come back to it when it is healed. It's the cringing feeling of just needing to get out of my skin. I am so sick of crying every day, every single day; sometimes I am scared that I will start and never stop. I really don't know how anyone has the strength and courage to endure this disease....especially the pain of not feeling understood or even acknowledged....my own son thinks it's all in my head and is embarrassed of me; and I think sometimes when i call my mom, she cringes. I don't blame her but how could anybody possibly go through this on their own?
I fantasize about checking into a "lyme hospital" where a compassionate and caring person who understands lyme tends to me, takes care of me, listens to me and helps me through the panic attacks; stays up with me through the painful nights, packs my head in ice for my migraines and gets dry bedding out for me during my night sweats. God, I hope I live long enough to see such a facility come into existence...if my disease had the name "cancer", there would be no problem.
A lot of us do need to be in the hospital; I don't know how many days I am sick enough where I know I should be admitted, when I need immediate medical help and there is nowhere to go. I have laid awake all night, petrified to fall asleep, fearing I wouldn't wake up. We need a place to go; I can't even go home because my family, although well meaning and loving, does not know how to care for me.
Thankfully, I have some of the best friends anybody could ask for and they are doing the best they can to get me the help I need. And, they share my vision and empathy to help others too that are suffering.
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