just another day

woke up today....pain bad from right hip down...numb too...still can't understand how it can hurt so bad and be numb at the same time.  First time I had to use my cane in a while.  Been putting off going to the state welfare office but today was the last day for me to go pick up my papers if I want my welfare check this month...yes, I'm on food stamps.  Probably the most humiliating experience in my life.  I was making six figures when I left my job. now I am supporting my son on $516 the state gives me, for which I am extremely grateful.  I never thought it could ever come to this...I actually thought about killing myself, and honestly, most with LD will admit to regularly fantasizing ending it as well but, I'm still here, for today anyway.  The doctor has noticed my son has lost a great deal of weight; I never felt so small when he answered it was because he was eating much less.  My family all went out to a nice dinner back home....I don't know why that upsets me so much; they have every right to continue on with their lives....I just can't imagine such luxuries anymore...after my rent I have 16 dollars left over...my son is having a hard time with it all...told me today it is too much pressure for him at his age...he would be better off without me...hard enough to live with lyme; hard enough to raise a teenager; both...impossible!  My friend and I talked about running away....i refuse to rot away in my bed waiting to die; i'm either going to make a very big change or exit gracefully; this is my last year with my son; not what I imagined...he's mourning me already....he's already lost his mom; don't think he'll get her back in time before he goes off to college...hope someday he'll understand it; hope someday he'll forgive me