The real truth

 Very few people have a clue how sick I really am. most say "you sound great or "you look fine"...if only they knew. I started out by hiding it at work and hiding it from my son.  While still working, I would hide in the stairwell and cry in between clients.  I would set my alarm an hour before waking my son for school so that I could take my morphine in order to be able to function in front of him.  Somehow, I got him up, fed him, drove him to school and cried all the way home and went right back to bed and repeated the routine at 3 pm when school got out.  (thankfully he drives now).  It's hard to say out loud that I think of ending my life every single day. If  I'm not sleeping, I'm crying... Not because I'm depressed, but because the pain is never ending and there is only so much Faith before you start to believe this will never end...nobody truly understands.  There's really only one way to make it go away and it makes me a horrible parent to say it..even to think it..even if it's just a fantasy.  I could never leave my son but anyone with this disease understands exactly what I am saying.  It is, a living hell.


I woke up several times throughout the night from the pain ....20 on a scale from 1 to 10.  As I lay there, paralyzed from the neck down, I realized I would not be able to make a middle of the night trip to the toilet so would have to hold on til morning, or until I "thawed out" and could stand up, whichever came first....my body was flailing quite a bit more than usual...my entire body was shaking with tremors which is normal but a lot more involuntary jerking.  I was having a hard time breathing so I put on my oxygen and took something for the tremors and went back to sleep.  When I woke at 7, I was very confused, disoriented and panicky.  My brain had no function at all...not quite like amnesia but almost..I stared at my cell phone for a good 2-3 minutes before remembering how to use it....thinking actually hurt my head and made me dizzy.  The vertigo was disabling and I knew there was no way I was going to be able to drive today....another day with no groceries.