Hopeful again

Went away for awhile....I think I had given up.  Going on year six and still not better, so I foolishly let the hopelessness in.  Once that happens, its tough to come back.  My positive attitude over time turned into what I convinced myself to be a lost cause.  I lost all interest in everything; out of touch with most of my friends and truly believed there was only one out....the unmentionable solution to stop this dreadful disease in its tracks.

A dear friend reached out and taught me to hope again.  She truly saved me and reminds me everyday that I am strong and I can and will survive this.  Above and beyond what anyone could ever imagine asking of anyone, she has stepped up and then some and has become my caregiver, surrogate mother, nurse, spiritual advisor, dietician and chauffeur.... and always still the best friend anyone could ever imagine!  She cooks for me around the clock, sends me meditations, brings me my pills (21 to be precise, carefully timed throughout the day with the help of her skillfully prepared schedules and charts)!  She researches, buys special cookbooks and blends me delicious veggie juices.

I think she heard it in my voice one day, when we were talking on the phone....my joy and love of life had disappeared.  The person I used to be was buried deep inside, but certainly not coming out for anyone to see.  Its easy for someone to put a label like depression or stress on another; nobody could understand what it was that I was going through, except those that shared my diagnosis.  I didn't feel "normal" anymore and didn't want to "pretend" that I was.  I was different, and felt I would never be the same again.  I firmly believed the former me was gone forever.

She insisted I come stay with her "as long as it takes" as she said.  The entire family took me into their home, making me feel so welcome.  At first I was reluctant to come.  As precious as our friendship was, I was about to let someone see inside the hell I was living in.  I think I had hidden it for so long; for fear of others not understanding or just plain embarrassment.... The symptoms of these strange diseases are so out of this world crazy it really does belong in a sic-fi movie.  It seemed anytime I tried to describe my symptoms I got the all too expected eye roll response.  So, I gave up trying to explain, complain and even treat my illness.  I suffered in silence for the most part.  Very few know just how sick I am.  But Karen knew and she reached out her hand and pulled me up and out of a deep dark place.  Not to sound overdramatic; I really was at "rock bottom" and she came when I needed an answer to my prayers.

I will never be able to come even close to thanking her for all she has and continues to do for me!  I hope to do the same for someone in need, if not her, someday.  What I find so ironic though is, all this time, I felt so very alone and now know that couldn't be farther from the truth.